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Boston Legal
The Black Widow
Season 2, Episode 1
Written by David E. Kelley
© David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved
Broadcast: September 27, 2005
Transcribed by Imamess; Thanks to Janette and Tara43 of JSMP for their input.
The scene opens with Alan Shore and Denny Crane, wearing sunglasses, walking downtown. Alan is
carrying a briefcase.
Alan Shore: Denny? He stops and looks at Denny. We look good. Right?
Denny Crane: We look great.
They continue walking. A woman walks toward them; she is carrying two paper bags full of groceries.
She pauses, seeming to expect Alan and Denny to part and allow her to pass. They don’t. She steps
aside and they walk on. Another woman joins her and they stand and gaze perplexed at Alan and Denny.
Garrett Wells and Sarah Holt are walking in the hall at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Sarah Holt: Did she say what kind of case?
Garrett Wells: Wrongful termination. The employer was trying to enforce his religion or something. The plaintiff
quit and sued.
Sarah Holt: And it’s going to trial?
They walk on and we see Bernard Ferrion and Catherine Piper coming down a stairway.
Bernard Ferrion: You have to get me in to meet her. You simply must!
Catherine Piper: How did you even know she was here?
Bernard Ferrion: Don’t be ridiculous. There’s a website that tracks her. As sure as I am little. If I could just get a
peek. A little whiff.
The camera turns to Alan and Denny, still wearing glasses, marching into the hall. Bernard and
Catherine watch speechless. Alan sees Bernard.
Alan Shore: Why are you here Bernard?
Bernard Ferrion: Well, never mind me. The Black Widow is here. She’s in your office as sure as I am little.
Denny Crane: The women who murdered her husband?
Bernard Ferrion: Don’t make it sound so ordinary. It was the way she did it. They were concubining.
Catherine Piper: She’s in there with Brad. Evidently she fired her last lawyer, and for whatever reason she wants
you!
Alan, Bernard and Catherine walk off. Shirley Schmidt walks up to Denny.
Shirley Schmidt: Denny! The conference call with Jack Myers has begun…
Denny Crane: You take it. The Black Widow is here.
Shirley Schmidt: I can’t take it, I’m in a meeting. Which means that you have to take it, and since this man pays
us over two million dollars a year…
Denny Crane: Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometime sex counts to. It used to count with you. One
minute you couldn’t get enough of me, and the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know.
Shirley Schmidt: They invented color television.
Denny Crane: You and me. In my office. Give me two minutes.
Shirley Schmidt: If you could last three, I might consider it. In the meantime, Jack Meyers…
Denny Crane: Not now! The Black Widow gets me first.
They both go their separate ways. Denise Bauer and Walter Edmunds walk down the hallway.
Denis Bauer: I’m not saying that we can’t win Walter, I’m saying it’s not likely and that we should settle.
Walter Edmunds: It’s my company Denise and I’m tired of apologizing for my faith.
Denis Bauer: You can’t have the Bible be assigned reading in the workplace.
Alan, Kelley Nolan, Brad Chase in an office at Crane, Poole and Schmidt. Denny comes in.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane! You’ve come to the right firm. I can tell you that… My God, you’re even more
striking in person.
Kelly Nolan: Who is this man, and why is his face about to explode?
Alan Shore: Kelly Nolan. This is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.
Denny Crane: It’d an honor to defend your honor. He takes Kelly’s hand and attempts to kiss it. She pulls it
away. Has anyone ever told you how incredibly beautiful you are?
Kelly Nolan: Never. Could you excuse us please?
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Denny Crane: Certainly you want me by your side at this trial?
Kelly Nolan: Ha. I’m sure you’re very sweet but old men tend to die on me.
Denny Crane: I’m Denny Crane! No bigger ass. Asset! You want me at you’re table.
Kelly Nolan: Look. We’re sort of busy here.
Alan Shore: Seems you’re deliberately challenging us to dislike you.
Kelly Nolan: Mr Shore! The media has painted me as the Black Widow. The gold-digger who’s poisoned her
seventy-year-old, rich, husband. They can prove I was having an affair. I’ll be hated. I’ll be needing a jury to look
beyond the hatred and see that I’m innocent. I suppose I’m first looking for an attorney who can do the same.
Denny Crane: I can. He sits down next to her. God you’re sexy.
Kelly Nolan: How about you go back to your office. I’ll have a pair of my pants delivered. Denny’s face shows
delight. You can try and get in them on your own time.
Denny Crane: She’s wicked. I love it.
Tara, Shirley and, Dr Adam Carter in an office at C,P&S.
Shirley Schmidt: I think we can agree the last thing you need is to be depicted in open court as a sexual
predator.
Dr Adam Carter: I’ve already been vilified as such Shirley! Court represents my only means to clear my name!
Shirley Schmidt: Adam, while we may win this trial we don’t have the means to prove your innocence.
Dr Adam Carter: If I settle this people will presume guilt. More importantly my colleagues will. I’m a respected
surgeon for God’s sake. I don’t jump out of allies to fondle people. Look. The district attorney refused even to
bring charges. That tells you how ridiculous this whole thing is.
Tara Wilson: There’s a higher burden of proof in criminal cases. This is civil. All she needs to establish is a
preponderance of evidence. If she’s convincing in her testimony…
Dr Adam Carter: How can she be? The woman is mute.
Tara Wilson: I beg your pardon?
Shirley Schmidt: The plaintiff can’t speak. She’s mute. It’s in the file.
Dr Adam Carter: So it’s my word, my truthful word against her lying affidavit.
Shirley Schmidt: Opposing counsel is coming in this afternoon. If I can make this go away…
Dr Adam Carter: She has to walk away. I’m not giving her a dime.
Back to Alan, Denny, Kelley Nolan, Brad Chase in an office at C,P&S.
Brad Chase: He knew about your affair?
Kelly Nolan: Yes. The only rule he had was for me to be discreet.
Alan Shore: Which you weren’t. And your boyfriend… Justin.
Kelly Nolan: Ex-boyfriend. We’re no longer together.
Denny Crane: Hmm.
Kelly Nolan: That pleases you?
Denny Crane: It does.
Alan Shore: He gets up and stands in front of Brad. Why don’t you talk to him? I’ll pay a visit to the
housekeeper. And Denny?
Denny Crane: I’ll look after Kelly.
Alan Shore: I can see you’re aroused. You might consider, the last man to make love to her? Died while doing
so.
Denny Crane: I’ll take my chances.
Denise, Garrett and Sarah are walking into an office at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Denise Bauer: You two will sit at the table, offering the appearance of a formidable defense team, thereby
suggesting that Walter Edmunds has this firm’s full resources at his disposal. Garrett! Plaintiff’s interrogatory
responses. Review them, know them before the deposition. She hands him a file folder. Sarah! I want you to
research whether or not a civil rights claim can even exist absent state action. Oh? I’ll need your memo by noon.
She hands her a file folder.
Sarah Holt: Mr Lewiston has me working on the Shephard closing.
Denise Bauer: Right. Now you’re off it. Go! I’ll talk to Mr Lewiston. Sarah walks out and Denise walks back to
the office.
A man’s voice: Denise? She turns around in surprise.
Denise Bauer: Tim.
Tim Bauer: You ah… You got a second?
Denise Bauer: Actually. No. She turns away. Is it important?
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Tim Bauer: Well ah…
Denise Bauer: She turns back. What?
Tim Bauer: I didn’t wanna have a process server deliver… He waves some papers, she grabs them and
looks at them I thought I should at least, uhm…
Denise Bauer: You’re filing for divorce?
Tim Bauer: Well it’s not something we both didn’t… you know… expect. I just… look, as a courtesy…
Denise Bauer: Wanted to see my expression?
Tim Bauer: No. It wasn’t that. Denise.
Denise Bauer: It’s fine. I appreciate the courtesy.
Tim Bauer: Look. We both…
Denise Bauer: I’m really busy Tim. We’ll talk about this later. Okay?
Tim Bauer: Sure.
Denise Bauer: She looks at the papers, then looks up to see Garrett watching her. I’ll expect you know
everyone of those interrogatories by one PM. Garrett leaves.
Tara and Shirley in an office at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Tara Wilson: We could argue that her complaint gives rise to a defamation claim against her.
Shirley Schmidt: I doubt that would fly.
Malcolm Holmes: He comes in the door. Sorry I’m late good people. Tara looks stunned. Extraordinary thing
that big dig.
Shirley Schmidt: Malcolm Holmes. Tara… She sees Tara’s shock. Malcolm follows Shirley’s gaze and
notices Tara. Shirley looks back and forth between the two. What?
Malcolm Holmes: Well! Tara and I are… uhm… already acquainted.
Shirley Schmidt: Acquainted?
Malcolm Holmes: Well that’s what we say in England. In America you would probably say… uh… I’m the reason
she went to law school? And she’s the one who got away.
Tara Wilson: What are you doing in Boston?
Malcolm Holmes: Don’t finally know. You let your hair grow?
Shirley Schmidt: Ahem. You know, I hate to break up the tea party, but…
Malcolm Holmes: Careful. I still get thin skinned on that one. Such a waste of proper tea. How is it that I just get
older and you seem to get more magnificent?
Shirley Schmidt: How about first we address settling the case?
Malcolm Holmes: Ah. I have no interest in settling. We fully intend to see this through.
Tara Wilson: Well you do so at your own peril.
Malcolm Holmes: Oh? Do I?
Tara Wilson: Once we establish your client’s claim as baseless, our client has instructed us to pursue a
defamation claim against Ms Bradley. Suddenly her house could be in play. I’m not sure you want that.
Malcolm Holmes: Very impressive.
Tara Wilson: You might advise her of that as well. You have an opposing counsel who will stop at nothing to
impress an old boyfriend.
Malcolm Holmes: Ha ha ha. Given that I don’t believe in coincidence, I’d like to take this opportunity to say
what’s needed to be said for some time. We… have no… intention… of settling. Here’s the motion. I’ll see you
both in court.
In a deposition meeting Joshua Abrams is sitting as at table, someone sitting next to him, and a court
report off to the side. Walter Edmunds and Julie are across the table.
Joshua Abrams: It was extremely pro-Christian. There were bible sessions, Christian hymns. As a Jew I found it
increasingly more and more oppressive.
Denise Bauer: So you quit?
Joshua Abrams: It’s more like I was forced out. The office took on such a Christian tone.
Denise Bauer: So you quit?
Joshua Abrams: I felt ostracized as a Jew. Alienated. We see Justin and Sarah sitting next to Denise. I was
forced out.
Denise Bauer: I have many Jewish friends who miss going to morning Shul, so they’ve started forming minions
at the office during their lunch hour. Are you saying that that’s wrong?
Joshua Abrams: There’s a difference.
Denise Bauer: Tell me the difference, Mr Abrams.
Joshua Abrams: Jews are a minority!
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Denise Bauer: And minorities enjoy civil rights that the majority doesn’t?
Joshua Abrams: When we talk about the rights of minorities in this country? We’re addressing the evil of
oppression. And when you say to a Christian society that it’s okay to start celebrating your religion openly and
notoriously in the workplace? You run the risk of fostering that very oppression. I began to feel oppressed!
Denise Bauer: So you just quit the marriage? She and others notice her mistake. The job?
The scene opens to an overshot of a richly furnished house. Alan is sitting on a couch facing the
housekeeper sitting in a chair.
Frances Stadler: I’ve worked in this household for thirty-seven years. I was the closest thing that man had to
family for the last ten, and that includes her!
Alan Shore: By her, you mean Kelly Nolan.
Frances Stadler: The way she treated him. Parading her boyfriend around. In the house!
Alan Shore: If I may ask. How is it that you still live here and Kelly Nolan doesn’t? I mean, it is her house isn’t it?
Frances Stadler: She says it brings her too much pain to live here. The memory of her husband dying in her
arms. I guess the memory of lacing his wine with nitro isn’t as haunting.
Alan Shore: What makes you think she did that?
Frances Stadler: I know he wasn’t suicidal. I know she stood to inherit. I know they argued and he threatened to
disinherit her. She certainly knew he’d be taking Viagra if they were going to make love. Which they almost
never did by the way. Perfect. Slip him a little nitro. What deadly combination.
Alan Shore: You seem to have a finely tuned sense of delivery.
Frances Stadler: And having lived in the same house with her for seven years. I know she’s a cold detached b…
person. She’s capable.
Alan opens and holds the door for Kelly and Brad.
Kelly Nolan: She’s lying. He never threatened to disinherit me.
Alan Shore: Why would she say that?
Kelly Nolan: I don’t know. Look. He never threatened to cut me out of the will.
Alan Shore: Well! If she says she heard as much two days before he died, and let me tell you, the housekeeper
has considerable dramatic flair. We cannot let that woman take the stand.
Brad Chase: How do we stop it?
Alan Shore: Bring a motion in limonene. It’s hearsay.
Kelly Nolan: My last lawyer tried that.
Alan Shore: Well we’ll try again. Frances Stadler cannot get in that witness chair.
Alan, Denny, Brad and Kelly are making their way through a courthouse hallway crowded with reporters
and photographers.
Reporter: Here they are! Kelly!
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Reporter: Statement for the press?
Denny Crane: She loves me. She loves me not. They walk into Judge Harvey Cooper’s courtroom. Denny
Crane.
A.D.A Todd Milken: It’s a last minute motion designed to waste the court’s time, and I submit...
Alan Shore: I week before the trial I have not interest in wasting time.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Shore. All motions were to be filed ten days ago by order of this court. Now, I must
admit that I am new to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, but I like to stick to my schedules.
Alan Shore: Of course! Why bother with justice when there’s a day planner involved?
Judge Harvey Cooper: I realize attorneys in Massachusetts are fond of sarcasm. You should know I spent most
of my years on the bench in Los Angeles, and if a lawyer talks back to a judge in Los Angeles…
Alan Shore: He’s shot! Probably on the freeway. Can we get back to the justice part?
Judge Harvey Cooper: Justice is not served by preventing a material witness from testifying.
Alan Shore: It’s hearsay evidence. The only thing the housekeeper has to offer would be what the deceased told
her.
A.D.A Todd Milken: As to what deceased told Ms Stadler. These were statements made in an excited state. An
exception to the hearsay rule?
Alan Shore: How can you establish that?
A.D.A Todd Milken: She! Will establish that1 On the stand.
Alan Shore: Which brings us to her bias.
Judge Harvey Cooper: The court is allowing the testimony.
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Alan Shore: Your Honor! This is a murder case. We once had a notion in this country, that the rules of evidence
would be strictly constructed, and interpreted, in favor of the defendant. There’s reason for that. It’s to protect
against the incarceration of the innocent. There sits an innocent woman!
Judge Harvey Cooper: I have made my ruling counsel. Ms Stadler may testify. We are adjourned. That’s all.
Denny Crane: To Kelly. Sorry. Hug?
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom.
Judge Peter Harding: A cello?
Malcolm Holmes: Your Honor. Certainly my client is entitled to her day in court.
Judge Peter Harding: And how we supposed to understand what she is saying?
Malcolm Holmes: Ah, we have her affidavit. Plus, as it happens, I speak cello.
Judge Peter Harding: Mr Holmes! This is a serious matter.
Malcolm Holmes: Ha ha. I assure you, I find nothing humorous about sexual assault.
Shirley Schmidt: And you don’t think it’s trivialized by putting her up there with a musical instrument?
Malcolm Holmes: My client is mute! That should not prevent her from getting in the witness chair and expressing
herself to her best ability.
Judge Peter Harding: Ms Schmidt. I don’t see how it prejudices anything.
Shirley Schmidt: You’re not serious?!
Peter Harding: We’ll begin tomorrow morning. Ten o’clock. We’re adjourned.
Malcolm Holmes: Oh, Uhm. A few small administrative matters. He leans toward Tara. Are you involved? Well.
Tell me over dinner. To Dr Adam Carter. Not to worry. She won’t give you away. You naughty man.
The deposition meeting continues.
Walter Edmunds: I began to notice that many of our employees were engaged in borderline unethical conduct,
be it nondisclosure, conflict of interest, I didn’t like it. Add to that, there seemed to be evidence of some moral
decay.
Atty. Everett Cone: Moral decay?
Walter Edmunds: Yes. There was adultery going on interoffice. There just seemed to be a bankruptcy of values,
if you will. We ultimately came to the conclusion that people aren’t bringing their spirituality to work with them.
Atty. Everett Cone: So you scheduled interoffice prayer sessions? In a financial brokerage firm?
Walter Edmunds: It had nothing to do with pushing any specific religious agenda.
Atty. Everett Cone: Did you discuss this with in-house counsel?
Walter Edmunds: Of course.
Atty. Everett Cone: And what did they say? Denise is looking down. Justin frowns.
Walter Edmunds: Well they said that was some risks involved. But I felt strongly enough about it that…
Objection! Denise is startled. That’s privileged. Do not answer.
Atty. Everett Cone: I believe he began answering the question, thereby waiving privilege?
Garrett Wells: The witness will not answer the question!
Justin and Denise walk out of the room.
Denise Bauer: Your role was to sit at the table. It was not to speak. It was not to object. And it was not to issue
directives to the client.
Garrett Wells: I just thought he was about reveal privileged information.
Denise Bauer: I will decide whether to object or not. Do you understand me?
Garrett Wells: You weren’t listening!
Denise Bauer: What did you say?
Garrett Wells: I… I saw your face. You weren’t even paying attention. That’s why I jumped in.
Denise Bauer: Is that how you practice law? You read faces? Garrett. It would be a mistake to try to read mine.
Garrett Wells: It won’t happen again. He walks away toward the door and opens it.
Denise Bauer: Garrett. She seems to struggle for words. I apologize. You were right to object. I was asleep at
the wheel, and I’m out of line to be venting on you.
Garrett Wells: It’s okay. Obviously I overheard. Denise has a questioning look. With your husband.
Denise Bauer: Ha. My husband and I were over a long time ago but, but, this filing…Ha. I just don’t like to fail at
things. Again. I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. I apologize.
Garrett Wells: So what comes next?
Denise Bauer: I beg, I beg your pardon?
Garrett Wells: In the case. What comes next?
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Denise Bauer: We have a settlement conference scheduled during which I need to make a convincing showing
as to why they should accept a small number. But, what that showing is escapes me. She struggles for words.
I have no idea. Garrett walks up and puts his hand on her shoulder. She freezes. What do you think you’re
doing?
Garrett Wells: He removes his hand, and strokes her hair. I just… You looked…I’m sorry.
Denise Bauer: I realize that men see a vulnerable woman as an opportunity. I guess the boys do as well.
Garrett Wells: It wasn’t that I promise. I was just offering consolation.
Denise Bauer: She opens the door for him. Thank you. I’m fine.
Garrett Wells: Okay. Well good bye then.
Kelly, Alan and Brad in an office at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Kelly Nolan: I didn’t kill my husband.
Alan Shore: Somebody killed him, Kelly. Accidental overdose will be very hard to sell. The capsule was emptied
into the wineglass. Who takes Nitro that way? Somebody killed him. Why aren’t you pointing a finger? Or at
least asking questions?
Kelly Nolan: I think he took his own life.
Alan Shore: By inducing a heart attack? There’s got to be a more fun way.
Kelly Nolan: I think he wanted to frame me. The scene changes to the outer office where Bernard and
Catherine are listening to this conversation over the intercom. We argued about my affair. He vowed to get
even. I think he did.
Bernard Ferrion: It’s like she’s emotionally flat-lined. She speaks with no affect. It’s a, it’s an associative
disorder. That’s what it is. She cannot reconcile herself with what she’s done so she emotionally lobotomizes
herself. If I could just get one whiff of her.
Alan Shore: He’s standing in the office doorway. Catherine. Mark up a motion for a continuance in the Nolan
case and file it immediately please.
Bernard Ferrion: Ah! I knew it! You need more time! You’re in trouble! She did it! Didn’t she?
Alan Shore: Alan closes the office door. Bernard turns away in delight. He seems to take particular delight.
Does he not Catherine?
Catherine Piper: We all do. It’s fun to see pretty people fall.
Alan Shore: Your little boyfriend is twisted. Trust me when I tell you he’s not finished killing.
Malcolm and Tara sitting in a restaurant.
Malcolm Holmes: Would I like him?
Tara Wilson: Probably not. You’d admire his sense of humor.
Malcolm Holmes: You see you two getting married?
Tara Wilson: Probably not.
Malcolm Holmes: You see us two getting married?
Tara Wilson: Probably not.
Malcolm Holmes: Ha. This is why I shouldn’t drink, I suppose. Waiter comes by. Double Scotch. Please.
Waiter: Yes sir.
Malcolm Holmes: You know your client is guilty.
Tara Wilson: Says you.
Malcolm Holmes: Concert cellists don’t lie. Tara doesn’t respond. Come on. He leans toward Tara. One kiss.
Hmm? Let’s get it over with. They move toward each other. Their lips almost touch.
Tara Wilson: I’ll see you in court Malcolm.
They move apart. Tara gets up and leaves.
Malcolm Holmes: Ha. Indeed.
Judge Harvey Cooper’s courtroom.
Judge Harvey Cooper: How dare you come in here and seek a continuance?
Alan Shore: Your Honor. We need to conduct an investigation. Having incorrectly assumed that the police had
done one.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Shore. This… This… This woman is trying to manipulate this process. I will not be
manipulated.
Denny Crane: In a stage whisper. Mad cow.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Silence! She likely fired her last attorney because she told him she did it. And since he
can’t knowingly put a witness in the chair to commit perjury, which is her plan, she was forced to retain new
counsel and keep them in the dark. And now we have you. And you.
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Denny Crane: If this woman wished to manipulate me in the dark…
Alan Shore: Denny?
Judge Harvey Cooper: Silence!
Denny Crane: In a stage whisper. The eyes.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Quiet! This trial will start next week.
Alan Shore: Judge. Not withstanding your tightly corseted mind, no defendant in a murder case can get a fair
trial with an attorney who has had less than a week to prepare.
Judge Harvey Cooper: You’re wasting my time. And to the detriment of Ms Nolan you are wasting yours. Your
request for a continuance is denied.
Sarah and Garrett walking in the lunch room.
Sarah Holt: You think she’s hot for you?
Garrett Wells: I didn’t say hot. I said interested.
Sarah Holt: You’re delusional.
Garrett Wells: First of all she made it a point to tell me how she was long over her husband.
Sarah Holt: Ha, ha.
Garrett Wells: And second, she game me the look.
Sarah Holt: What look?
Garrett Wells: The look that you can’t describe but you know when you get it.
Denise Bauer: She comes in. Get what? She walks over to a cooler to get a bottle of water.
Sarah Holt: The look.
Denise Bauer: Two associates huddled? Someone better be getting billed. Settlement conference is at four. No
talking. Garrett nods his head.
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom. Mary Bradley is sitting in the witness chair holding a cello.
Malcolm Holmes: Now! Ms Bradley. I am armed with your affidavit, and the Judge has permitted me to lead, but
in your own way I’d like you to tell us what happened that night. Mary starts to play the cello. The tune is
lighthearted and cheerful. You were headed home. It was a delightful spring night. Parents walking with their
children, seemed so innocent, blissful. Which is perhaps the reason why you felt safe in taking a short cut
through an alleyway. It was dark. Suddenly you had a very strange feeling. The tune is fearful. You turned
around. You looked around. The tune speeds up. And suddenly a man was coming. That man! Pointing at Dr
Adam Carter. And he grabbed you! You were terrified. The tune is loud and choppy. He molested you. He
fondled your breast. It was awful! You will never get over it! Ever! The music stops abruptly. Thank you. Your
witness.
Malcolm goes to his chair. Shirley gets up. Mary starts playing a very ominous tune. It’s the theme from
Jaws.
Shirley Schmidt: Objection!
Judge Peter Harding: Ms Bradley!
Shirley Schmidt: Ms Bradley, you said that it was dark that night. Did you not?
Mary Bradley: She plays a short stroke on her cello.
Shirley Schmidt: He came at you from the side?
Mary Bradley: She plays a short stroke on her cello.
Shirley Schmidt: You said the entire incident took place in five seconds did you not?
Mary Bradley: She plays a short stroke on her cello.
Shirley Schmidt: All five seconds in the dark.
Mary Bradley: She plays a short stroke on her cello.
Shirley Schmidt: Did you ever see him totally from the front?
Mary Bradley: She shakes her head and plays a longer stroke on her cello.
Shirley Schmidt: Thank you. She walks back to her chair. Mary plays a menacing tune. It’s the wicked
witch/Ms. Gulch theme from the Wizard of Oz.
Judge Peter Harding: Ms Bradley?
A group of people are standing behind Brad who is in front of a laptop computer. Denny and Catherine
are on either side of him. Lori Colson is at his back. Five other unrecognizable people are also crowded
close looking at the computer screen.
Denny Crane: Blow them up. That one. Blow it up. Through a glass wall we see Alan and Kelly walking by
and looking in. She’s perfect. Alan and Kelly come in.
Denny Crane: Oh, my, God.
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Alan Shore: What’s going on? Everybody stands up speechless. What’s going on?
Catherine Piper: Nothing dear. We were just looking at naked pictures of your client. Fornicating in her
swimming pool.
Brad Chase: Okay! Everybody out, please!
Denny Crane: Yes! Every one out. Now! Out! Now Out!
Brad Chase: Problem. You got a website Kelly.
Kelly Nolan: What do you mean? She walks over to the computer.
Alan Shore: Would this be Justin Murray?
Kelly Nolan: Where do these come from?
Brad Chase: Point is they’re every where now. They were posted this morning.
Alan Shore: Can we trace the source?
Brad Chase: I doubt it. We could try, but…
Kelly Nolan: I think I know who took these. There’s a person, a boy in my neighborhood, fifteen, sixteen. Willis
Berger. At times I thought he was stalking me.
Alan Shore: Stalking you?
Kelly Nolan: I’d be at the salon and I’d see him in the window. I’d be shopping; he’d show up at the market. We
briefly hired him to do some odd jobs until we had to fire him because he was just too bizarre.
Alan Shore: Do you know where this Willis Berger lives?
Kelly Nolan: Yes.
Alan Shore: I’m gonna mark up a motion to change venue. To Brad. If those images reach our jury pool it’ll kill
us. Why don’t you pay a visit to this Willis Berger. See what’s there.
Brad Chase: We could try for a search with a court order.
Alan Shore: I don’t think we’ve got enough to get one. Brad? I need for you to use your imagination here. Get
your hands dirty if you have to. Let me start by mussing... Oh, good God! It doesn’t muss! Brad walks away.
Get what you can on this kid! He turns back to Kelly. Look at me Kelly. She looks up at him. This may be a
break.
Denny Crane: Looking at the computer screen. Disgusting.
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom.
Dr Adam Carter: I was out for a walk. It was a beautiful spring evening. I went for a walk! Suddenly police cars
screech up, they grab me, haul me into a lineup, she points her cello wand at me, and now here I am, on trial for
something I never did!
Tara Wilson: You never encountered this woman.
Dr Adam Carter: Certainly not!
Tara Wilson: Thank you sir. She goes to her chair and sits down. Malcolm stares at her, seemingly
mesmerized.
Judge Peter Harding: Mr Holmes?
Malcolm Holmes: He shakes his head. Yeah. Sorry. He gets up. Such a beautiful woman, your attorney. It is
quite difficult to work in such close proximity without wanting to give her a little squeeze.
Shirley Schmidt and Tara Wilson: Objection!
Malcolm Holmes: Sustained. Now! Tell me doctor! How old were you when you started playing doctor?
Shirley Schmidt and Tara Wilson: Objection!
Malcolm Holmes: Sustained. Move for costs.
Judge Peter Harding: Mr Holmes. Just for fun. Let me sustain or overrule the objections.
Malcolm Holmes: Certainly.
Judge Peter Harding: Thank you.
Malcolm Holmes: So doctor? You said that you were out taking a walk that night.
Dr Adam Carter: Yes!
Malcolm Holmes: Sir! When you were picked up by police, that was almost three miles from where you live.
Were you deliberately walking in an area far where you live so as to avoid suspicion? Mary plays a dramatic
melody.
Shirley and Tara walking in a hallway at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Shirley Schmidt: I don’t understand his stradegy. Seem s to be trivializing his whole case with this nonsense.
What’s his plan here.
Tara Wilson: His style is the get the jury to like him. Which they always do. And they usually give him what he
asks for.
Shirley Schmidt: How do I rattle him?
9
Tara Wilson: Malcolm Holmes doesn’t rattle.
Shirley Schmidt: Oh come on, Tara. You slept with the man. You’ve gotta give me some insight.
Alan Shore: He comes up behind them. Slept with what man?
Tara Wilson: Oh! Shirley and Tara look at each other, then at Alan. Shirley walks away. Opposing counsel
is someone I used to date. I thought I told you.
Alan Shore: I think you didn’t.
Tara Wilson: Really? Probably because he’s an old boyfriend who didn’t mean anything then and still doesn’t. I
thought I told you.
Alan Shore: I think you didn’t.
Brad knocks on a door. It is opened by Laurie Berger.
Brad Chase: Laurie Berger?
Laurie Berger: Yes.
Brad Chase: Do you have a son, Willis Berger?
Laurie Berger: What’s wrong? What’s happened?
Brad Chase: I’m investigating a potential crime. Now if I had the authority to reveal it was with the FBI I would
say so. He shows her an unopened wallet. But until certain clearances are satisfied I’m not officially at liberty
to tell you anything. Now as far as you’re concerned you never heard me say that I’m with the FBI, which, for the
record, of course I’m not. I need to speak with your son immediately. I think you would like to arrange that before
others speak with him. I’m sure you know what I mean.
Laurie Berger: What’s he done?
Brad Chase: Take me to your son, M’am. They walk into Willis Berger’s bedroom. Willis is sitting in front of
a computer. Hello Willis! I’m not FBI. You got that? You never heard me say FBI. Doing any blogging today?
Get away from the computer.
Willis Berger: Why?
Brad Chase: Step away from the computer son. Willis stands up. Brad bends over and starts pressing keys
on the keyboard.
Willis Berger: I, I was just lookin.
Brad Chase: Looking? Or posting? Brad hit a final key and steps back.
Laurie Berger: She bends over the computer with a horrified expression on her face. Willis!
Willis Berger: I was just lookin.
Brad Chase: That’s your neighbor Kelly Nolan.
Willis Berger: Uh. So? I mean that’s why I’d be curious. Right? I mean naked pictures of a neighbor on a
website? Who wouldn’t look?
Brad Chase: He lifts a pillow from the bed. Uh huh? He holds up a handful of enlarged pictures. What’s
that there?
Laurie Berger: Where did you get those Willis?
Garrett and Sarah sitting across the table from Atty. Everett Cone. Denise is between them at the head
of the table.
Denise Bauer: First of all, he wasn’t forced to participate.
Atty. Everett Cone: If the whole office is reading the book of Genisus…
Denise Bauer: He chose to quit.
Atty. Everett Cone: Forced out.
Denise Bauer: He found other employment.
Atty. Everett Cone: Less money. Come on Denise. Do you really wanna have a jury go at this? Oppression is a
dirty word. Remember we’re the country that likes to root it out. This isn’t the time to be anti-American. Do I
really need to say that?
Denise seems at loss for words. Garrett notices.
Garrett Wells: Actually, the American government tells us to be quite open with our religion. Especially the
Christian kind.
Atty. Everett Cone: Does it now?
Garrett Wells: Jimmy Carter was a born-again Christian. Denise is shocked. Ronald Regan said his favorite
book was the Bible. He gets up and walks around the table. May I? Denise looks at Sarah questioningly.
Sarah shakes her head. Garrett stops next to Denise. May I?
Denise Bauer: She forces a smile. Please.
Garrett points a remote at a screen. Denise has an uneasy expression on her face. A Power Point
Presentation comes on showing snippets of different people speaking.
10
George Bush jr.: We are guided by a power larger than ourselves.
???: Jesus Christ the son of God.
???: We worship an awesome God.
???: I just wanna do God’s will!
John Kerry: We are on God’s side.
George Bush jr.: When you turn your heart and your life…
???: I say a prayer, before I pitch.
George Bush jr.: … over to Christ.
???: God knows the truth.
George Bush jr.: When you accept Christ as a Savior. Garrett mouths the words along.
???: … a man’s heart.
George Bush jr.: It changes your heart.
Jimmy Carter: What does the Lord require of thee?
Ronald Regan: My friends together we can do this.
???: And to walk…
Ronald Regan: Do what we must.
???: Humbly.
Ronald Regan: So help me God.
???: … with thy God.
Bill Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Garrett Wells: He quickly clicks a button on his remote. Oops!
Atty. Everett Cone: How is this relevant?
Garrett Wells: It’s relevant because the open notorious celebration of Christianity has never been more popular.
We have an Evangelical President. John Ashcroft was a former preacher. Condolezza Rice was once a Bible
teacher. The Air Force Academy has basically established Evangelical Christianity as its official religion. The
football coach there put up a banner that says, “Team Jesus Christ”. Have you checked the pulse of this country
lately?
Atty. Everett Cone: How is this relevant?
Garrett Wells: I told you! It’s evolution out. Creationism in. We are a Christian nation. He leans down to Denise.
He’s making me repeat myself. And with the eroding values in our country, with high school kids turning to
drugs, not to mention oral sex. With our star athletes doped up on steroids or committing sexual assaults. With
the Enrons and World-coms stealing from their investors. What is wrong with today’s business leaders trying to
introduce a little spirituality into the work place? He points the remote at the screen and clicks a button.
Al Sharpton: One nation under God.
???: One nation under God.
Al Sharpton: One standard under God.
Ronald Regan: One people under God.
Al Sharpton: For the children of God.
???: The Lord is my life!
George Bush jr.: I have, ah, accepted Christ.
???: God.
???: Praise to my Lord and Savior.
Joan Rivers: God.
???: Jesus Christ and Christ Jesus.
Jimmy Carter: With God.
John Kerry: God.
Jimmy Carter: Through Christ.
???: God bless
???: Christ
???: God
Ronald Regan: Jesus
???: God
???: God
???: God
???: God
Bill Clinton: I did not have sex… Garret quickly clicks a button on his remote.
11
Garrett Wells: We are a Christian nation Mr Cone. When Martin Luther King said, “Free at last.” It was God
Almighty free at last. This is who we are. We are a Christian nation, and this, this, is our time.
Garret and Sarah are walking in the hallway at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Sarah Holt: I can’t believe you did that.
Garrett Wells: It just came to me.
Sarah Holt: She almost fired you for objecting at the depo and then you filibust…
Garrett Wells: I didn’t filibust. I was merely…
Denise Bauer: Garrett?! She marches up to them. After I specifically told you not to talk, what would possibly
possess you to put on a show and tell like that?
Garrett Wells: Sometimes you have to take chances. In life. In law. In love.
Denise Bauer: Ha. Incredibly? You had some affect. The plaintiff is reconsidering another counter. She turns to
walk away.
Garrett Wells: And with you?
Denise Bauer: She turns back. I’m sorry?
Garrett Wells: You’re a senior associate. Satisfying you is important to me as well.
Denise Bauer: Hah. She walks away.
Alan, Kelly and Denny are fighting their way through throng of reporters and photographers.
Denny Crane: She’s having my baby. Denny Crane.
Judge Harvey Cooper: A change of venue?
Alan Shore: The images are graphic. They’re all over the internet. I’m sure you’ve seen them Judge! The
potential jury pool would be contaminated…
Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Shore I’m not happy…
Alan Shore: Gee. And up till now you’ve seemed so tickled.
Judge Harvey Cooper: This is dilatory. That’s what this is.
Alan Shore: Your Honor this woman is entitled to a fair trial. She entitled to be tried by objective jurors…
Judge Harvey Cooper: If these images are on the Internet as you say, they probably wouldn’t be limited to the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts. And you know that sir.
Alan Shore: Your Honor, at this time I must ask that you recuse yourself.
Judge Harvey Cooper: On what grounds?
Alan Shore: Because you’re the real killer and everybody knows it.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Step up here counsel!! Alan walks up. The Judge whispers. You have misstepped,
and you are egregiously mistaken if you think you will insult this court without consequence.
Alan Shore: And you are mistaken if you think you’re going to push me around. I hated bullies on the playground
when I was six, I tolerant then no better on the bench in my forties. This is a murder trial. I’ve got the whole
world predisposed against my client. I will not allow the presiding Judge to be added to that list.
Judge Harvey Cooper: I am a fair and impartial Judge.
Alan Shore: Then start acting like one.
Judge Harvey Cooper: You are in contempt. So as not to prejudice your case or client I will suspend
punishment. As soon as this trial concludes you are going into lockup. In the meantime your motion for change
of venue is denied.
Kelly is leaned against a window looking out. Alan comes in the room. She doesn’t look back.
Alan Shore: It may be too late to get another lawyer. Maybe not though. Obviously I haven’t exactly hit it off with
this Judge. Perhaps you should go elsewhere.
Kelly Nolan: I’ll stay. She turns around to look at him. I think you know.
Alan Shore: I know?
Kelly Nolan: That I’m innocent. The way you fought in there?
Alan Shore: Don’t kid yourself. I’m the ultimate mercenary. I put myself on the line for five hundred dollars an
hour. It’s that simple.
Kelly Nolan: I don’t believe you. You know.
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom.
Jury Foreperson: In the matter of Bradley versus Carter on the count of sexual battery. We find in favor of the
defendant.
Tara Wilson: Yes!
Malcolm Holmes: Oh! Bullocks. Do over? Judge?
12
Judge Peter Harding: You can try your luck with the Appeals Court, counsel. We’re adjourned.
Dr Adam Carter: Thank God.
Shirley Schmidt: Congratulations Adam. You stuck to your guns. He kisses her on the cheek.
Dr Adam Carter: Thank you Tara.
Tara Wilson: You’re perfectly welcome They share a hug during which Tara gets a puzzled expression on
her face.
Shirley Schmidt: Shirley notices Tara’s puzzlement. Everything okay?
Tara Wilson: Fine.
Malcolm Holmes: Well. Loser has to jump the net, so I suppose dinner’s on me.
Tara Wilson: I am not having dinner with you.
Malcolm Holmes: Tara?
Shirley Schmidt: See you tomorrow. She leaves.
Malcolm Holmes: I’m ah, not one to offer advice. If you’re really serious about this… Alan? You want to loose
him. At least by God, be able to offer the excuse that you simply had too much wine for dinner.
Tara Wilson: Excuse for what?
Malcolm Holmes: Excellent. I love a woman who makes no apologies. Let’s go.
Tara Wilson: I’m not going anywhere with you.
Malcolm Holmes: Oh? Then why is your hand in mine?
Tara Wilson: I’ll have dinner. That’s it.
Malcolm Holmes: Of course.
Denny is sitting on the balcony. Alan comes out.
Denny Crane: That was quite something with the Judge today Alan.
Alan Shore: Yes it was.
Denny Crane: Dream case. Isn’t it? High profile. Splashy. Big closing. Get the not guilty. Have sex with the
client. It’s all there. Ha. Do you think she knows I wanna sleep with her?
Alan Shore: She probably assumes all men do. Maybe even some of the women.
Denny Crane: Mmm. Savor it my friend.
Alan Shore: Sorry?
Denny Crane: This case. The noise. The juice. The circus. Savor it.
Alan Shore: She didn’t do it.
Denny Crane: What?
Alan Shore: She didn’t kill her husband. She’s innocent.
Denny Crane: Really? Well that’s good. Makes it less interesting. But that... that’s good.
Alan Shore: It’s also pressure. We’ve got an innocent client.
Denny Crane: This is gonna be a riot.
Alan Shore: Yes it is.